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I have been sick so many times this season... I just want to hibernate. But here I be, at work, tired from interrupted sleep. Typing with a finger that hurts as if it were broken.
Thank goodness for Christmas at these times. Thanks goodness we have that to look forward to. I love to give people gifts. I love the smell of pine tree and the sparkle of lights.
I am ready to skip this being sick part and go to the happy part.
Too bad things don't exactly work that way.

Making phone calls, trying to reshape my life.
Trying to figure out the next step.
Sometimes things don't move quickly enough.
I don't know where I will be for Christmas.
I don't know if I will still be living out of a bag several nights a week.

I would discourage marriage at this point. Unpleasant business all around. Trying to unravel the knot. It makes it difficult to work sometimes. Makes a lot of things difficult.

I am planning on moving at some point. Just don't have a destination yet.

in a land far, far away...
things were much easier.

I could just lay on the slide and stare at the sky and dream of unicorns.

I could play with salamanders and get dirty and was no big thing.

Now, in the "adult" world... things are a little more complicated.

hm.

Kinda tired of complicated. I swore off of a bit of it awhile back. Tried to settle down even. Go figure. Things don't always go the way we want them to.

SO... no unicorn ever came to get me. But, sometimes, if I am very lucky, a motorcycle does...

At this point, I am rather happy. Aidan is no longer sick and has been in a good mood for 3 days. I am happy with Bryan, no complaints. I miss the little ones when I do not get to see them. I might even get caught up at work, who knows...

But...

there are some cobwebs in my house that need to be cleared away.

I have refrained from telling all the reasons. Have refrained from letting all the truths be known. Some of them sound unbelievable.

I am tired of reading about it on the internet. I am tired of having to have petty conversations about whose stuff goes where. I would like to be free of the cobwebs.

She really doesn't know you. Can't in a month. Took me 7 years of looking to see you clearly. I was where she is. She can be happy with you all she wants. I don't care. You can be happy too. So be it.

Just get out of my house. Get the f- out of my house....

ok, so, me thinks... I did not handle things as well as I could have... juggled too many things at one time trying to live life freely and whatnot... or something...

I am happy now and I love my life at the moment... but, my head is spinning with the confusion of different people entering my life.

I am trying to figure out what to do in each scenario and keep everyone happy and keep the connections and keep things from going wacky... Trying to keep the sadness away.

I can say at this point, my issues with trust are still prevalent. If you are someone I am texting and talking to, itz because I trust you and truly care about you. If I make an effort to try and see you, or want to see you, it is meaningful. I am working two jobs now. I am raising my son. I am trying to breathe and read and listen to music and draw. I am trying to do everything all at once. I need the friendships and I need to feel alive.

I need to do what is going to work for me. For my son. For my life. I need to love myself right now. I cannot break pieces of me off and hand them out.

I will fight to stay happy.

I will fight to keep my son happy.

I will fight to keep those I care about happy.



Is this the way of the vampire?

the butterfly out of the cocoon... I find it difficult to look back. The cocoon has crumbled and I am flying. If I look back, I'll lose the bit of wind keeping me up.

So I will not go back to my game today. I don't want to lose the air that lifts me from the crumbled bits I left behind. I will run from what was and deal with what is and dream of what could be.

smothering something that shouldn't be... and allowing life to take me where it will...

as of late, I have traveled through the web. From facebook, to instant messenger on my cell phone, and now to yahoo messenger as well.

What am I looking for? Am I even lost? I'm not sure who I am now...

I understand that due to life being busy and whatnot, we spend a good bit of time limiting socializing to the internet. We text rather than call because it is more convenient... well, I could get on a soap box about it all. I just know that interacting with others has been gratifying. That singing and laughing has helped me reshape myself.

But, I came here as I traveled the web tonight because this is my favorite place to be. This is where I go to unfold all the thoughts... as much as I can anyway.

I realized that my heart was shattered too many times. I'm not sure where it went. Maybe it became dust and floated outward into the air. I feel a coldness inside of me now. I don't want to look inside at the wreckage within.

And yet, I am happy. My life is upside down. Everything should be all miserable and wrong. I should have been having a complete meltdown. Instead... I see new possibilities. New horizons... a new life.

I don't think about what might have been now. I don't want to regret. I want the life ahead of me to amaze me as ever I did. I want to regain my sense of awe.

There is no sanctuary outside of ourselves.

No happily ever after. No knight in shining armor.

I am not bitter. I am not strictly cynical. I just have different standards now.

I met my soulmate. And life would not allow me to be with him. And he would not allow me to be with him. So I am ...

Perhaps it is time for me to become a vampire rather than succumb to one.

Maybe vampires are just trying to fill up the emptiness in their hearts too.

happened today.

I had to ask my mom to watch my son longer because I did not know if Dan would come home.

And that is what made me cry, finally. Because I miss my baby.

I can understand why no one wants to get involved in this. It's an ugly thing.

And the person I want to talk to most... can't talk to me. He doesn't understand.

I did not sleep till after 3 a.m.

I was busy taking down the wedding photos in the house.

But when I did sleep, I dreamt I was slapping and yelling at Dan all night.

I didn't want to wake up, especially.

I never slapped him. No matter how many times he lied, cheated, or failed me.

And even in my dream, it didn't solve a thing.

I wish I could have managed to move his dresser too, but I was exhausted after everything. Maybe I will get it done today. I feel the need to paint.

But for now, I have to go to work and pretend everything is ok :(

Today was not a good day to have to work so early...

It's not ok.

Nothing is ok.

It is very bad.

She is wearing my collar and holding my riding crop in my f-ing basement.

My favorite collar.

I'd like to believe it isn't my collar, but guess what, it is missing.

I am so f-ing pissed.

I took all the wedding pics w/ dan in them down.

I want him out.

She can have him.

But I want my f-ing collar back.

want to go out and play...

My bedroom has a pile of junk in it now. Stuff that needs to be put in new places as my "roommate" and I transition him outta here.

When I came home, his girlfriend was here. And he wanted to show me the scratches that she gave him. I was polite to her and then told him that he needed to move out of the room. I told him nothing about what I did or where I was except the state. I didn't do it to make him jealous or to hurt him. I did it because I wanted to.

Kinda excited about the new room and redecorating a bit. I can move all of my painting stuff in here. Maybe I'll finish the paintings I started and didn't finish... Maybe I'll even start watching t.v. again. I kinda miss watching House, Heroes, and Lost. I definitely wanna see if the Vampire Diaries will be any good...

I don't really know how to switch gears and go back to work tomorrow. Long day tomorrow. I'll be teaching an intern about doing what I do. The last time I let someone shadow me, I got almost no paperwork done. And I definitely need to get some paperwork done. Bah.

But what I'm really thinking about, I'm not going to put on here... gonna keep that to myself...

I did not think about the bad or sad things...did not think about the disappointments... though it was mentioned because people were concerned.

I was thinking about totally different stuff really... about art, about life, movies, animals, about connections...

I didn't try to escape into my books, my game, or the internet. I listened and I felt human.

And, I want to do it again.

Completely unexpected...

today I was told that coming would kill you.

My sister's advice was: you have to see him.

His advice: find your own.

My head is spinning. My heart is all over the place.

I just know that I wish you had more faith in me. I cannot believe you could believe for a minute what you seem to believe.

I even tried to talk to ... about it. He was dismissive and the conversation was futile.

I should never have listened to anyone else's advice.

The advice I keep hearing inside of me is: wait, hope, don't give up.

I might just listen to myself.

all kinds of upside down today.

I think this is one of those days that I might cry over a car commercial.

Wish I had some clue as to what to do about it.

I just want to go to bed and sleep.

I cannot sleep.

Erased everything I wrote about it. three times.

Need comfort. Cannot find it. Need to comfort. Cannot.

"The Winner Takes It All" by Abba

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does he kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When he calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...

has never been my favorite holiday. When I was little, my ears were especially sensitive to loud noises. I had had several ear infections and was protective of them.
Now, I appreciate fireworks a bit more... just never get to see them, really. I think they would scare Aidan right now anyway.

Not in a good mood today at all. Thinking about experiences at job that I got hurt at frequener tly. Thinking worried thoughts. Was ok today until Aidan hit me in the same place twice.... thus the thinking about job I guess. My jaw is slightly swollen. I know he didn't mean to ...

Fridays are rough days often anyway. Spend most of the day not really hearing another voice. Though Aidan is attempting to imitate darth vader...

and walking :)